Ask HN: Questions and thoughts of a 19 yo old, early starter
Hello,
I'm a a 19 yo enthusiast never interested in education/college/degree. I aspire and believe in doing "great things". As a software engineer, geek, techie, human, and student I always feel blank, blind and confused.
I started working (at 17-ish) at a NGO which promoted FOSS for around 1 year, they wanted me to go after 1 year and hence I left, I was honestly shattered into pieces that day. In around next 20-25 days, I was asked by someone if I was interested in one of their openings and I ended up joining there (unplanned).
I got exposed to a corporate culture and I got experience of how the world. I am always happy with whatever pay I'm getting, but because of being in this space. I have lost of the sense of thinking of myself as a 19 year old, I'm always thinking as if I'm 25 or 26.
From what perspective do I look at whatever good or bad things I'm doing ? Should that be as "work", "passion", "hobby" ? When I left the previous NGO, I was blank and afraid that I wasn't having the financial stability. Even now I don't know if I am presenting my feelings and thoughts in the right way.
I don't feel good about my performance at work (always feel i'm not doing good enough), and I don't even feel good that I am a early starter and I'm learning, there's no happiness or sense of satisfaction (even 10%) in my mind. There's one thing constant in my mind all the time which is "This is not enough, I have to work more".
Do I need help ?
>> never interested in education/college/degree
If you want to do "great things" in the industry, you will need to learn the equivalent of what people learn at university.
You cannot make up the difference by simply "working more", universities provide structured learning environments. If you insist on skipping the university system, you could do leetcode, hackathons and similar competitive behavior to discover your skill deficits and to connect with others that might give you some access to the industry.
You need help friendo. Get out of this bubble of tech. I mean it is a means of making a living, nothing more nothing less. If you still feel disconnected, take a look at some of your peers. Maybe some of them are obsessed with one thing or the other, like emacs or people who like emacs whatever. But they are still in that bubble. I hope you get out of it friend. :)
It sounds like you need to develop a sense of yourself outside of your responsibilities as a software developer, geek, student and techie. The human that you are irrespective of the other things sounds deprived.
Maybe take some time to read a little Abdul Hasan Ali Nadwi when you get the chance and cook a meal for your relatives if you’re able to.
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> I aspire and believe in doing "great things".
Let's start with that. You are worthwhile as a human being, whether or not you do "great things". You don't have to achieve something in order to be worthwhile, you already are.
It sounds like you're frantically chasing some level of achievement that's in your mind, constantly comparing yourself against it, deciding that you're falling short, and therefore feeling miserable and/or like a failure. That's a terrible way to live.
> Do I need help ?
Don't take answers to that question from random strangers on the internet :-)
But, maybe. It sounds like you have very unrealistic expectations for yourself. Me saying "hey, those are unrealistic expectations" may not be enough for you to let go of them. You may need help figuring out how to let go of them, how to take some joy in the journey even if you're not where you want to be yet.
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